Gay fathers' coparenting experiences with ex-wives

Despite the increasing focus on fathers and coparenting after divorce, little is known about the experiences of gay fathers and virtually nothing is known about their experiences coparenting with their ex-wives. This study examines the post-divorce coparenting experiences of fathers who had children in the context of a heterosexual marriage and later identified as gay. I conducted a grounded theory study of 16 gay fathers who generally described their coparenting experiences as either mostly cooperative or mostly uncooperative. The most salient distinction between the two types of coparenting was father’s perceptions of their ex-wives’ acceptance of their sexuality. When ex-wives accepted them as gay men and good fathers, coparenting was described as cooperative. When ex-wives expressed religiously-based homonegativity, the fathers described coparenting as uncooperative, and they also reported more adversarial divorce proceedings, more intense anger, and less ability of their ex-wives to move on postdivorce. GAY FATHERS' COPARENTING EXPERIENCES WITH EX-WIVES 1 Chapter 1: Literature Review Divorce, especially in families with children, has been a focus of both scholarly and public interest for several decades (Amato, 2010). The first marriage divorce rate has continued to hover around 50%, and approximately 25% of U.S. children reside in homes with divorced or separated parents (U.S. Census, 2011). The implications of divorcerelated research, therefore, continue to be relevant to a large segment of the population. Divorce has consistently been associated with children’s behavioral, psychological, and academic problems; however, research has also shown substantial variations in children’s divorce outcomes (Amato, 2010; Kelly & Emery, 2003). Researchers have highlighted the importance of parents’ post-divorce behaviors on children’s outcomes, and the two factors that have appeared to affect children the most have been ongoing interparental conflict and parent-child relationship quality (Amato, 2010; Amato & Gilberth, 1999; Kelly, 2000). Children seem to do better after divorce when they have close, supportive relationships with nonresident parents (most often fathers; Harper & Fine, 2006), and the quality of these relationships correlate positively with the quality of the coparenting relationship between fathers and their ex-wives (Carlson, McLanahan, & Brooks-Gunn, 2008; Sobolewski & King, 2005; Whiteside & Becker, 2000). The coparental relationship may be broadly defined as the behaviors and interactions of parents related to their antagonism or support of each other as parents (Adamsons & Pasley, 2006). Margolin, Gordis, and John (2001), in a study of married parents, conceptualized coparenting as involving levels of conflict (e.g., hostility surrounding parenting issues), cooperation (e.g., supporting and respecting the other parent, easing parenting burdens), GAY FATHERS' COPARENTING EXPERIENCES WITH EX-WIVES 2 and triangulation (e.g., distorting parent-child boundaries in attempts to undermine the other parent). Researchers have presented post-divorce coparenting relationships on a continuum from cooperative to highly conflictual (Ahrons & Rodgers, 1987). Ahrons (1994) examined the frequency and quality of ex-spouses’ interactions and communication (e.g., arguing; conversation quality; accommodations to ex-spouse), and four groups of parents were identifiedcooperative colleagues (moderate interaction and high quality communication), perfect pals (high scores on interaction and communication), angry associates (infrequent interaction and moderate quality communication), and fiery foes (low scores on both dimensions). Similar work by Maccoby and Mnookin (1992) identified three patterns of coparental relationshipscooperative (frequent communication, infrequent arguing, few attempts to undermine other parent, attempts to coordinate consistent rules across households), uncooperative (frequent arguing, challenges of parental authority, attempts to sabotage visits), and disengaged (parents continuing to interact with their child but not with each other). Half the parents in Ahron’s (1994) sample had positive coparenting relationships, and although only a quarter of Maccoby and Mnooking’s (1992) sample had positive coparenting relationships in the first 6 months after divorce, follow-ups 3 years later showed the proportion of conflictual coparenting relationships had decreased. Generally, the initial 1-2 post-divorce years have been viewed as an adjustment period, oftentimes stressful for parents. Most successfully reorganize coparenting relationships to be less conflictual and more cooperative (Adamsons & Pasley, 2006), however, conflictual or uncooperative coparenting persists for a minority of divorced partners. GAY FATHERS' COPARENTING EXPERIENCES WITH EX-WIVES 3 Although time may be a necessary factor related to the development of coparenting relationship quality, it is seldom a sufficient factor (Bonach, 2005). Despite increased research on post-divorce coparenting, most of what is known about coparenting has been derived from studies on continuously-married, two-parent families; relatively little is known about what characteristics may shape the quality of post-divorce coparenting relationships in general (Amato, Kane, & James, 2011; Kamp Dush, Kotila, & Schoppe-Sullivan, 2011). We do know that divorced heterosexual fathers had better coparental relationships when: (a) mothers supported and encouraged father’s involvement in coparenting (Cohen & Finzi-Dottan, 2005); (b) fathers were more satisfied with their parenting and parenting role (Madden-Derdich & Leonard, 2002; Olmstead, Futris, & Pasley, 2009); (c) fathers had less conflict with their ex-spouses; (e) fathers felt more control in child-related decision-making (Leite & McKenry, 2002); and (f) mothers were more forgiving and less blaming (Bonach & Sales, 2002). Bonach (2009) found that parents who were better able to forgive their former spouse’s pre-divorce behaviors, as well as parents who felt more positively towards their former spouses, had better coparenting relationships. Overall, it appears that post-divorce coparenting relationships, as well as post-divorce father involvement, may be affected by how former spouses felt about one another before the marriage ended, how they currently feel about each other, how satisfied they are with the divorce proceedings and outcomes, and how well they are able to transition into new post-divorce roles as parents and coparents. Unfortunately, coparenting in diverse family systems has received considerably less attention, and little is known about the post-divorce coparenting experiences of gay fathers who had children in the context of a heterosexual relationship. GAY FATHERS' COPARENTING EXPERIENCES WITH EX-WIVES 4 In this study, I examined the post-divorce coparenting relationships of an understudied group, divorced gay fathers with children from heterosexual marriages.