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We argue that the reported cases of Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) aremost likely due to the impact of the human body with an extremely high energyparticle like cosmic rays or Dark Matter. Normal and antimatter cosmic rays andclassical weakly-interacting massive particles (WIMPs) with energies of GeV toZeV can be easily ruled out due to their inability to dump enough energy into asmall region of human tissue, leaving as the single remaining candidate massiveDark Matter particles. While primordial Black Holes would appear to be verygood candidates for inducing the SHC phenomenon, we show that the estimatedlocal Dark Matter density requires that the particles have masses of $\sim10$\,kg, clearly ruling out this candidate. All of the other classic DMcandidates -- from scalar and pseudo-scalar spin 1/2 and spin 2 gauge singletsto nuclearitic strange quark ``bowling balls'' -- can be ruled out. Axionstailored to solve the CP-problem also cannot be invoked, no matter what mass isconsidered. The only particles left are massive mega-axions (MaMAs), for whichthere are an infinite number of possible string models.

Spontaneous Human Combustion rules out all standard candidates for Dark Matter