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I employ an optimization-based inference methodology together with an Isingmodel, in an intentionally ineffectual manner, to get away with murdering anobstreperous scientific collaborator. The antics of this collaborator,hereafter "Conan O'Brien," were impeding the publication of an importantmanuscript. With my tenure date looming, I found myself desperate. Luckily, Istudy inference, a computational means to find a solution to a physicalproblem, based on available measurements (say, a dead body) and a dynamicalmodel assumed to give rise to those measurements (a murderer). If themeasurements are insufficient and/or the model is incomplete, one obtainsmultiple "degenerate" solutions to the problem. Degenerate solutions are allequally valid given the information available, and thus render meaningless thenotion of one "correct" solution. Typically in scientific research, degeneracyis undesirable. Here I describe the opposite situation: a quest to createdegenerate solutions in which to cloak myself. Or even better: to rendermeasurements incompatible with a solution in which I am the murderer. Moreover,I show how one may sabotage an inference procedure to commit an untraceablecrime. I sit here now, typing victoriously, a free woman. Because you won'tbelieve me anyway. And even if you do, you'll never prove a thing.

I Murdered Conan O'Brien and Nobody Will Ever Know -- an exercise in inference sabotage