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I present five short stories, each describing something I wish I had known and appreciated earlier in my statistical life. The five are Simpson’s paradox is everywhere, numerical optimization algorithms can be deceived, you can’t always trust the Satterthwaite approximation, BLUP’s are wonderful things, and It’s good to know Reverend Bayes.

FIVE THINGS I WISH MY MOTHER HAD TOLD ME, ABOUT STATISTICS THAT IS