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We propose two simple quirk models to explain the recently reported 750 GeVdiphoton excesses at ATLAS and CMS. It is already well-known that a realsinglet scalar $\phi$ with Yukawa couplings $\phi \bar X X$ to vector-likefermions $X$ with mass $m_X > m_\phi/2$ can easily explain the observed signal,provided $X$ carries both SM color and electric charge. We instead considerfirst the possibility that the pair production of a fermion, charged under bothSM gauge groups and a confining $SU(3)_v$ gauge group, is responsible. If pairproduced it forms a quirky bound state, which promptly annihilates into gluons,photons, v-gluons and possibly SM fermions. This is an extremely minimal modelto explain the excess, but is already in some tension with existing displacedsearches, as well as dilepton and dijet resonance bounds. We therefore proposea hybrid Quirk-Scalar model, in which the fermion of the simple $\phi \bar X X$toy model is charged under the additional $SU(3)_v$ confining gauge group.Constraints on the new heavy fermion $X$ are then significantly relaxed. Themain additional signals of this model are possible dilepton, dijet and diphotonresonances at $\sim$ 2 TeV or more from quirk annihilation, and the productionof v-glueballs through quirk annihilation and $\phi$ decay. The glueballs cangive rise to spectacular signatures, including displaced vertices and eventswith leptons, photons and $Z$-bosons. If the Quirk-Scalar model is responsiblefor the 750 GeV excess it should be discovered in one of these channels with 20or $300 \mathrm{fb}^{-1}$ of LHC run 2 data.

Quirky Explanations for the Diphoton Excess