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In this paper, I describe how in the aftermath of relational disruptions to giving of oneself and being received, shame inverts the passionate movement of responsibility toward and for others into an enclosed self-focused preoccupation. Through the filter of omnipotence and omniscience, shame transforms the helplessness of one’s suffering into punishment and fault. Self-shaming becomes paradoxically intertwined with self-pity, which then eventually leads to resentment and the entitlement of feeling owed, which is contrasted with the remorseful guilt that leads to a sense of owing others. Since a patient’s curiosity about the person of the therapist reflects an attempt to emerge from shame and take responsibility for what she comes to discover and know, it is of crucial importance that the therapist responds respectfully and actively engages that curiosity on a democratic rather than hierarchical basis.

Owing and Being Owed: Shame and Responsibility Toward The Other